I Never Stopped Being a Christian


A mother once wrote to C.S. Lewis on behalf of her concerned son, who was worried that he loved Aslan, the lion Christ figure from Lewis’s children’s series, more than Jesus himself. Lewis wrote back with this consolation:

Laurence can’t really love Aslan more than Jesus, even if he feels that’s what he is doing. For the things he loves Aslan for doing or saying are simply the things Jesus really did and said. So that when Laurence thinks he is loving Aslan, he is really loving Jesus: and perhaps loving Him more than he ever did before.

Lewis obviously meant this literally: Jesus is a real, living, breathing, present being, and the third person of the Trinity. But, even if we don’t take a literal view of the Christ myth, there is truth in Lewis’s words, if only at a cultural and psychological level. Imagine my bewilderment in realizing that I, a 35-year-old secular atheist, am the little boy Lewis was writing to.

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Can I Return to Christianity?

I sometimes think doctrinal Christianity is like drug addiction. After growing up in the magisterial order of Christianity, glimpsing the vastness of a triune God and the revolutionary beauty of a self-sacrificing god-man, the secular world is a pale place by comparison. I feel a raging maw in the center of my core nothing else fills. No matter how good my life is — and my life is very good — there is an insatiable restlessness.

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The Christians are Horny

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In 2022, a couple of evangelical stud muffins posted a startling video to TikTok. In an intimate space charged with emotion and prayer, Christian influencer Ryan Foley nervously confessed his love of trans porn:

Sixth grade, I jumped into some weird categories, man. This is tough. Transgenders having sex with chicks. And why am I watching this stuff? Well, because I’m opening myself up to spirits the more I watch the porn, and I don’t even realize it. And you know, as it gradually goes, it gets darker, and I was watching (groans) transgenders having sex with transgenders, and then dudes. And I’m like, “why am I watching this stuff?” Eventually, the porn’s not going to be enough, just like Ted Bundy – eventually the porn wasn’t enough for Ted Bundy. And he started actually doing the acts, and I started doing the acts. Never, ever thought I’d be doing something like that, know what I’m saying? That’s my quick testimony on porn and how it just dragged me to a dark place.

The answer, Ryan then explained, is submission to Jesus, and realizing that porn was standing between him and God.

“Amen dude,” says his companion,  “powerful testimony, dude.”

I don’t hold Ryan’s sexual preferences against him. Trans porn is one of the most popular categories on the internet, and a lot of guys are into it. There’s also enough sexual pseudoscience and fear-mongering in his short testimony to occupy an entire article. Set all that aside for now.

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Sibling Rivalry: Are We Free? | Elizabeth Schultz

In this episode of Sacred Tension, my sister Elizabeth Schultz returns for a spirited debate about free will, the existence of God, and the foundations of morality. I am skeptical of the concept of free will, miracles, and God, while my sister defends them.

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I love hearing back from my audience. Did you agree with us in this conversation? Disagree? Let us know in the comments below. If your comment is excellent, I might feature it in an upcoming post.

Thin Democracy and the Hunger For Meaning

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In his book Defending Democracy from Its Christian Enemies, ethicist David Gushee argues that the liberal democratic tradition, which was pioneered during the Enlightenment and of which we are all beneficiaries, is “thin.” It gives us a negative vision of freedom, providing protections from impositions, but offers no positive, communal vision for the good life.

He writes,

This formative early vision is sometimes described as creating a “thin,” “liberal,” or “libertarian” democratic tradition. Its strength was its realistic recognition of the reality of convictional pluralism and the dangers of government meddling in matters of conscience so important to people that they will fight and die for their beliefs. Its weaknesses, however, were at least twofold. Its social imagination focused on individuals and their personal preferences rather than communities and their shared needs – but it is really communities that build associations and ultimately national governments. Further, its realism did not extend to recognizing that some shared accounts of the good life and the good community, and some way of forming good citizens who can exercise responsible freedom is required to sustain a viable human community – even a political community. Liberal democracy has been described as a “thin” tradition because of these missions.

Go read the founding documents of the United States, urges Gushee, and you will see that “these hugely influential documents offer relatively little by way of a shared communal vision.” These documents, Gushee argues, give lip service to the vague concepts of, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” but make no effort to offer a clear definition of these terms.

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Sacred Tension: Defending Democracy From Its Christian Enemies | David Gushee

In this episode of Sacred Tension, I’m joined by ethicist and Christian dissident David Gushee to discuss his new book Defending Democracy From Its Christian Enemies. We discuss why some Christians are turning on liberal democracy and why we should all defend democracy despite its flaws. We also discuss “thin democracy” and why it is not sufficient for a cohesive society.

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Why I Am Not a Christian: The Gift of Unbelief

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This is the finale of my Why I Am Not a Christian series.

In part one, I explored why I came to doubt claims of the miraculous, thereby undermining my core Christian convictions. In part two, I explain why I came to doubt the veracity of inner experiences of God. In part three, I describe how my fear of a godless universe kept me from accepting nontheism, and how I came to understand that my fear of such a universe was no argument against it.

I could cover quite a bit more: why I came to doubt the historical claims of Christianity, for example, or why I no longer believe the Christ story is unique. I could also tell of how my near conversion to Roman Catholicism permanently hobbled my faith. Perhaps I will, at some point, tell those stories.

But, for now, I will bring this series to a close. I want to circle back to where I started, and the podcast conversation that launched this series.

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Why I am Not a Christian: The Problem with Fearing Godlessness

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This is the third installment in my Why I am Not a Christian series. I invite you to read the other articles, but they are not necessary to follow what I will argue in this post.


One of the things that kept me from accepting my disbelief for so long was a fear of what the universe would be like without God. As Soren Kierkegaard wrote in Fear and Trembling:

“If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?”

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Why I Am Not a Christian: The Problem With Experiencing God

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This post is a continuation of my series on why I am no longer a Christian. In my last post, I explored how I came to doubt the core miraculous and supernatural claims of Christianity. I invite you to read that post, but it isn’t required to follow what I’m arguing for here.

Continue reading “Why I Am Not a Christian: The Problem With Experiencing God”